2018: Thank U, Next

2018 summarised in 1 word would be exhausting. I began the year dealing with the breakdown of a 2 and a half year relationship. I think we'll all agree that breakups absolutely horrific but who knew that I'd be spending the end of 2018 dealing with another breakup too? I think we'll just have to agree that 2019 should be a 'thank u, next' to boys and we'll leave it at that!

I really felt like 2018 should've been the year that I got my shit together, to put it bluntly. I feel pretty disheartened that I failed with a lot of my own personal goals for the year. I think we often see too much of a highlight reel of people's achievements come the new year, which is great, but it's also important to acknowledge that not everyone achieved what they wanted to in 2018, and that's alright too.

2018, dealt me some tough blows. Something that I am yet to share online is my diagnosis of a chronic illness, which I'm still coming to terms with and will maybe share online one day. It's something that I now unfortunately have to think about and deal with on a daily basis, and to find out I have an incurable disease at 20 years old is something that I never imagined happening.

I feel like I could've made some better decisions this year too. It has been noted by my mum that I often portray almost an ice-queen persona. I think I do this as a way of protecting myself, because I don't want to appear vulnerable but this results in people thinking that I don't care about them which actually couldn't be further from the truth. I care too deeply but struggle to show it for fear of rejection.

In saying all of this, the challenges of 2018 have made me realise that I am stronger than I know. I've had to deal with things that I never imagined happening and I feel ready to take on whatever 2019 throws at me. I want 2019 to be about self-improvement. I need to learn to drop down my guard. I want to live more freely and without worry and most importantly of all, I want to be happy.

2018, you made me find an inner strength I never knew I had, but thank u, next.

Here's to 2019 and page 1 of a new chapter; I'm coming for ya.


(This has been saved in my drafts since January but i've been too nervous to post it. 5 months on and here goes...)

CONVERSATION

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